Everybody lies

posted on Wednesday, July, 18th, 2007 in Thursday Thirteen

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Thirteen TV shows from the 80s I used to love

I think it is no exaggeration to say that I am a tv junkie. I have always watched a lot. Naturally some of the stuff I watched was utter crap – unfortunately I didn’t realize that at the time.
It just came to me when I was more or less forced to watch an episode of Sledge Hammer again recently. I just can’t believe I used to drop everything to watch this crap religiously every week. Looks like I never really had a life, even back then…

Anyway, when I decided to do a TT on this topic, I realized that I couldn’t even remember most of my then favorite shows. So I googled around and found this site, which lists more or less every tv show that was aired in America between 1980 and 1989. And, boy, was that a scary trip down memory lane!

So, as a result, here I present you know the Top 13 Shows I used to love as a kid, but absolutely can’t stand to watch anymore – not even for nostalgia’s sake.
Some of them might originally have aired much earlier than 1980, but either it came later to german tv or I saw it for the first time in re-runs. Still qualifies as 80s crap to me therefore. Other shows ran on after 1990, but when they started in the 80s, they’re 80s crap as well in my definition.

1. The A-Team

This was the first one that came to mind. When I was a kid I just loved those guys. The one I had a crush on was, not surprisingly, Murdock. I always had a thing for crazy people.
But when I try to watch it today I can’t understand what I ever saw in it (much less why my dad still likes it, but that’s another story). It’s not only the fact that they always build a tank or something from some scrap metal conveniently lying around, although that does get a mite repetitive. But did you notice that there is always a ginormous gun-fight, but nobody ever gets shot? That’s just ridiculous. If you have people shooting, you have to have people dying. Otherwise, what’s the point?

2. MacGyver

Richard Dean Anderson, with his ability to build a bomb from a chewing gum and some pencil shavings or whatever, was the hero of my childhood. It didn’t hurt that he looked quite good, either. But when I see this show today (yes, it’s still on over here) I just laugh my ass off at the implausible good luck this guy has to always find exactly the stuff he needs to solve his exact problem. Today I constantly feel the urge to slap him for his know-it-all do-gooder attitude. I just can’t abide such people.

3. Falcon Crest

There is absolutely no excuse to watch soapy crap like that. But what can I say? I was young and bored, and I didn’t know it any better. And, if I remember correctly, I used to have a crush on William R. Moses. So not my type anymore, but hey, I was only 10 or so, when I watched that first.

4. Family Matters

Just one word: Steve Urkel.
Ok, that’s two words, but if you have ever seen an episode of this show you know what I’m talking about. The term “useless, annoying git” was invented specially for this guy.

5. Full House

This is one of those shows that brings on not only a gag reflex, but full-out retching today. How could I ever stand to watch that every damn day?
There are way too many annoying kids in this show (remember, this is the show that gave the world the Olsen twins) and the guys are all to disgustingly nice and goody-goody. Gah, even thinking about it makes me sick!

6. Flamingo Road

Ok, I haven’t got the foggiest of memories what this show was about. Probably nothing much, like all soaps. But of this one I am not ashamed: it has got a young – and very delectable – Mark Harmon after all. Everything is watchable if this guy is in it. He is one of those men that only get better with age, so I wouldn’t wanna go back to watch him as a spring chicken. Nowadays I like him more in NCIS.

7. Hogan’s Heroes

Ok, for this one I do have an excuse: it was not actually me wanting to watch it, but my dad. He just loved that show. Still does, in fact. Myself, I just can’t laugh about it. That does not necessarily have anything to do with me being german and having not much of a sense of humour where Nazis are concerned, it’s just that it is too over the top silly to be funny anymore.

8. ALF

Annoying furry thing from outer space that by rights should have been shot back up as soon as he crashed. How I ever could think this funny can probably only be explained by a juvenile sense of humour.

9. Mission Impossible

Honestly? I have no idea why I ever bothered to watch this show. Usually all this secret agent stuff bores me to tears. It must have something to do with my fond memories of Peter Graves from one of my favorite childhood tv shows: Fury. Remember? The one with the horse and the annoying little boy…
Other than that I draw a total blank on this one.

10. Remington Steele

On the plus side, there is Pierce Brosnan. Unfortunately he is playing a poor man’s James Bond in this – and I hate and despise James Bond in all his incarnations. Besides, this greasy charme just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

11. 21 Jump Street

This one had a young Johnny Depp – what more do you need? Well, a more interesting and less repetitive storyline would have been nice.

12. Miami Vice

Ah, the clothes! The hair! Don Johnson! It used to be cult, but it’s so over. I didn’t even watch the recent movie.
Wanna know why I used to watch it at all? The theme music and Elvis, the alligator. Sonny Crockett was the height of cool to me, because he lived on a boat and he had a pet alligator named Elvis. Funnily, you couldn’t pay me enough to live on a boat myself (you couldn’t pay me enough to live anywhere in Miami, really), I am not overly fond of alligators and definitely have no wish to keep one as a pet. But still, it seemed cool on principle. Long long ago.

13. Knight Rider

Ok, David Hasselhoff is bad enough already. There is really no excuse for this.
But then there is also Kitt, the bloody talking car that knows everything and can do pretty much everything, except maybe dance the Macarena. James Bond would be so jealous. Probably. I just hate the fucking thing.
I also want to take this opportunity to clear up an apparently wide-spread misapprehension: David Hasselhoff is NOT a big star in Germany. Is not, was not, will never be. He may have a few crazy fans hereabouts, but that’s it. I don’t know how this rumour got started, I just have heard it a few times too often. Believe me when I say Mr. Hasselhoff is just as much a nobody here as he is in America. And thank God for that.

I could have added a dozen more, but these are the ones that cause the worst gagging reflexes in me nowadays. There are others that are less bad (The Cosby Show, Dallas), still others I actually still like to watch (Roseanne, Golden Girls), and then there are the ones my parents liked, but I used to hate back then already and still do (Baywatch, Bonanza, Cagney & Lacey).

So, what are your worst memories of the 80s, televisionwise? Did I forget anything especially cringeworthy? Let me know.