Indiana Jones and the Crystal Thingy
Ok, so I’ve seen it now. And I was decidedly underwhelmed.
It’s not like I went to the cinema with great expectations or anything. I mean, it was written by George Lucas – yes, I know, so were all the others before, but after the Star Wars prequel disasters I don’t trust this guy with anything anymore (not that I ever was a big Star Wars or Lucas Fan).
And after reading the not-so-very-favorable review on Pajiba all I asked was to have some mindless fun. But the film didn’t even deliver on that score.
It’s not that it is a very bad film. It’s just that it isn’t particularly good, either. It’s just meh. Boring. Not funny. Well, no, on second thought: that is bad. An Indiana Jones movie shouldn’t be boring. I think I actually fell asleep a few times for a couple of minutes.
The main reason for this was that the story didn’t seem to have much of a point. So Indy is running away (not very successfully) from the Russians now instead of the Nazis, puzzling about the relevance of an oh-so-mysterious crystal skull. Uhm, and I should care about this why exactly?
And he reunites with his former lover (who got on my nerves already the last time around) and finds out he has a son. Again, snorefest. I just don’t give a rat’s ass about his family connections. I want a storyline. I want some jokes that are actually funny. I want characters that are not comicbook cardboard cutouts. (God, what an awful waste of Cate Blanchett’s sublime acting abilities this mess was!)
And a sidekick with at least remnants of a personality would have been a nice addition, too. Not that I want to say anything against Shia LaBeouf – the kid is kinda cute, and I’m sure he’s gonna be an alright actor one day. At the moment however, he is just a bland pretty face of no interest whatsoever. (Then again, I’m probably too old already to see his appeal.)
Harrison Ford did his job, as usual. He was never the most elegant of actors, but he gets the job done. And at some points he even managed to make it sparkle for a second or two. The more depressing it was when everything slid back into the muddy soup this whole mess was in the end.
One thing I do most emphatically NOT want from an Indiana Jones movie are telepathic aliens made of jellie-like movable pseudo-crystal. What the fuck was that all about?
Oh yeah, and the fact that Indy was on Ground Zero of an atomic explosion and survived virtually unscathed just by climbing into a refridgerator, which coincidentally was the only thing not totally obliterated by the blast, but conveniently hurled out of the blast zone into the surrounding desert? CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!
And what’s with the fucking gophers? WTF?!?!?!?
There are so many things so fundamentally wrong with this movie that I for one am 100% sure I will never watch it again. Ever. Even on tv I will switch the channel when it comes on. It’s such a complete waste of time. For me the Indiana Jones franchise ends with The Last Crusade and this big, steaming pile of whatever just doesn’t officially exist. Damn you, Lucas. I want my money back.
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