Feeling left behind
Not only do I feel incredibly blah today (must be the winter blues or something), I also just got an email from one of my best friends telling me he just arrived in New Zealand again, raving about the fantastic weather and his plans of meeting up with old friends.
As much as I love the guy and appreciate his staying in touch with me, I really didn’t need that mail today. I so wish I could be in NZ right now.
Instead I am here, “enjoying” the drizzly, grey November weather in Germany, getting bored to fuckin’ death by my flatmate (Honestly, how boring can one person possibly be? He’s making it into an artform.) and feeling more and more apprehensive about this course I do.
I mean, I suspected from the start that this whole molecular biology thing was not one of my better ideas. That’s why I didn’t even try to make a good impression at the interview. But when they chose me anyway, I thought I might as well give it a try. Telling myself that surely my initial doubts just came from nervousness or something.
Well, turned out they didn’t. I know now that I was right from the start: it was a bad idea. Maybe not a bad idea per se: for some people this might be the perfect course. For me: not so much.
It feels almost like being back at university again – and not in a good way. I didn’t fit in there, never wanted to be a scientist, couldn’t connect to most of my classmates, I couldn’t even bring up any interest for most of the classes. Really, it’s like a deja vu. Whatever gave me the idea I should go through all that crap yet again?
I must have been a lot more desperate than I was aware of. And now I am stuck here for the next 8 months. Just great.
Did I mention I wish I could just take the next plane to New Zealand? *sigh*
I feel the same way whenever my friends would send me beautiful photos of Japan. The thought of another 9 months to bear before I visit Japan again is sometimes painful.
I can imagine that it must be hard for you, since you’re living in a very strange country now. But at least you can look forward to get back to Japan in the foreseeable future. I don’t know when I will be able to afford a trip to NZ again in the next few years. It figures: I had to go and fall in love with a country that’s more or less exactly halfway around the world from where I live. I think there’s no place on earth that’s farther away from Germany. Which, in itself, is a good thing – if it wouldn’t mean that flights to NZ are just ridicoloulsy expensive from here. *sigh*